2004 was a very difficult year for me. It was one of loss and of hard lessons almost unlearned. I took the holiday break to immerse myself in them, desperate at the thought of the monumental waste not learning from this much loss would be. And I made acquaintance with my personal demon.
I found I had been listening to a bullying, controlling voice that had me convinced I was always bound to stumble and lose, that others would always betray me, and other damaging lies. All this time, though the specific things this voice told me never materialized, I kept believing in it. Of course, the worst always did happen in the end as I turned the fears I was fed into self-fulfilling prophecies, with my demon cheering me on.
There has been another voice speaking to me all along, slipping in it's bit between the railings of the bully. A quiet voice I might have missed hearing, but somehow I never did. Coolly contradicting the bully every time, and this voice was always right. Why could I not believe in it? How much heartache would that have saved? Well, as a friend of mine once said, "User error". My bad. And I spent years acting out the anger and paranoia that this demon spat into my ear as it was dancing on the grave it had dug for my happiness.
I made a three week project (complete with deadline) out of figuring out 1) why I kept going all wrong, and 2) how to find some resolution about all I had lost. This was my holiday. I won't go into what I spent my time doing, but it involved observing behaviors- of others and of myself. I studied anger and delusion. And in the last few days of that three weeks, a series of realizations culminated in a breakthrough for me. I came out of that forever altered.
The demon has pretty much sat in the corner since. He has tried to raise a ruckus or two, maybe for old times' sake, but I stared him down and tuned him out. I find I am no longer plagued with a twisted feeling in my gut, I am no longer constantly sick to stomach, I sleep- sometimes for hours uninterrupted. I cannot say I am at peace just yet, but I believe I stand a chance of it now.
The other day, I was considering how I would write this entry, and I decided to try and personify the two voices to get a better idea where they might have come from. Immediately, the bully voice took on the appearance of my father, and all the ways that man found to shame me, humiliate me, make me feel stupid and worthless, and in the end commit the ultimate betrayal, all came back to me with some force.
The quiet voice did not take on any one person's likeness. Rather, I felt it was more an amalgam of the pure love, encouragement, and absolute faith in me that my Mother, Grandmother, and Great-grandmother showed me unfailingly. No doubt this combined voice has helped to sustain me throughout a rather rough life, and I cannot begin to say how grateful I am to have had such love in my life.
This is how I cleared the path for 2005, and I feel I take my first steps on it reborn in some ways. I walk it with my ear turned towards a cool, clear voice that I no longer doubt, and I have faith that it will guide me well.
I found I had been listening to a bullying, controlling voice that had me convinced I was always bound to stumble and lose, that others would always betray me, and other damaging lies. All this time, though the specific things this voice told me never materialized, I kept believing in it. Of course, the worst always did happen in the end as I turned the fears I was fed into self-fulfilling prophecies, with my demon cheering me on.
There has been another voice speaking to me all along, slipping in it's bit between the railings of the bully. A quiet voice I might have missed hearing, but somehow I never did. Coolly contradicting the bully every time, and this voice was always right. Why could I not believe in it? How much heartache would that have saved? Well, as a friend of mine once said, "User error". My bad. And I spent years acting out the anger and paranoia that this demon spat into my ear as it was dancing on the grave it had dug for my happiness.
I made a three week project (complete with deadline) out of figuring out 1) why I kept going all wrong, and 2) how to find some resolution about all I had lost. This was my holiday. I won't go into what I spent my time doing, but it involved observing behaviors- of others and of myself. I studied anger and delusion. And in the last few days of that three weeks, a series of realizations culminated in a breakthrough for me. I came out of that forever altered.
The demon has pretty much sat in the corner since. He has tried to raise a ruckus or two, maybe for old times' sake, but I stared him down and tuned him out. I find I am no longer plagued with a twisted feeling in my gut, I am no longer constantly sick to stomach, I sleep- sometimes for hours uninterrupted. I cannot say I am at peace just yet, but I believe I stand a chance of it now.
The other day, I was considering how I would write this entry, and I decided to try and personify the two voices to get a better idea where they might have come from. Immediately, the bully voice took on the appearance of my father, and all the ways that man found to shame me, humiliate me, make me feel stupid and worthless, and in the end commit the ultimate betrayal, all came back to me with some force.
The quiet voice did not take on any one person's likeness. Rather, I felt it was more an amalgam of the pure love, encouragement, and absolute faith in me that my Mother, Grandmother, and Great-grandmother showed me unfailingly. No doubt this combined voice has helped to sustain me throughout a rather rough life, and I cannot begin to say how grateful I am to have had such love in my life.
This is how I cleared the path for 2005, and I feel I take my first steps on it reborn in some ways. I walk it with my ear turned towards a cool, clear voice that I no longer doubt, and I have faith that it will guide me well.
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